A start of a new day...

This morning I came to a heart wrenching realization: I have reached my highest personal weight. Although a lofty achievement, its not something worth recognition. After weeks of avoiding the scales, rationalizing clothing sizes, and avoiding mirrors and photos - I truly cannot hide anymore.

I've started to take some steps toward becoming more healthy, but the purpose of this blog is to hold myself accountable. I'm starting back on Weight Watchers, specifically Etools. I had been on the regular monthly pass, but when I went to the meeting 4 weeks ago I had a huge anxiety-like attack and could not leave the car. I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem. I wasn't ready to stand up in front of a group of unknowns and say "I'm not perfect." I guess, in essence, I'm still not. There is something so incredibly comforting about anonymity.

I've also started a weekly workout class, which was also eye opening. Its easy to downplay other tell tale signs of obesity: not fitting into seats, muffin tops on clothing, lack of energy; but when you're put on the spot in an exercise class, there's no escaping the reality staring you in the face.

I've never been skinny, I've always been battling a weight issue since I was small. I'm not entirely sure what the root of the disorder is. Is it lack of coping skills, forcing me to eat my feelings? Is it reflection of my relative eating issue upon me? Is it simply a lack of will power? Only time and genuine self realization will bring the truth to light.

However, I feel like small rays of sunshine are starting to break though this bleak wall of mystery. I mention earlier that I was not ready to say "I'm not perfect," but I'm slowly making my way. I just need to let go and not put so much pressure on myself. I've always had a knack for being "gifted" at most tasks I undertake. The one discipline that has entirely escaped my grasp is my weight and overall health. And when I don't succeed, I get frustrated and walk away. How can I ever have something on my track record that's not a perfect A, the gold medal or the number one spot.

What I am also slowly realizing is that this isn't about being the best, the prizes are far more rich in worth. I want to live to an old age. I want to be able to have children, and see them have children of their own. I want to be able to ride a rollercoaster without having to think twice. I want to be able to shop in every store in the mall, and not be limited to just two.

Well, with this tall order of wants I need to start on the taller order of to do's to get there. So far now, I'm going to head out and complete some smart grocery shopping.


~ 'til next time, keep reaching for your dreams.